I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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