i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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