im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
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