I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
