My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
