I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
