Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
