you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
