Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
