I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
