im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
