I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
