I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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