I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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