Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
