sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
