Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
