she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i already hear my dad disowning me
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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