and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
