True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
