Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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