Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
