The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
