I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Randomize
