i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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