How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
is wine microwaveable?
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
