I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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