You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
