he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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