we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
