the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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