You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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