There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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