allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
