Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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