Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
