I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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