In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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