Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
