dude i'm inner monologue high
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
