I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
