Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
