You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
