Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
