i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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