I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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