I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
