4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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