saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
