How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
