i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
