If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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