I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
