please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
