Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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