There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Randomize
