please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize